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I can’t tell you how many times people thought it was so nice that I was pregnant in the winter. They must have assumed I’d spend the coldest months of the year reenacting sweet maternity catalog photo shoots with long sweaters over a perfect bump, giggling as I playfully tossed snowballs at my husband who just gotten back from running all the errands for me.
Pardon me, I just snorted.
The thing people who haven’t been pregnant in the winter don’t realize is that you’re still busy growing a human while busy doing all the things you usually did — plus, you’re doing it all while navigating snowdrifts on sidewalks, school cancellations for your other kids, and finding those long sweaters in a material that doesn’t make you want to scratch your arms off.
Sounds fun, right?
Here are 21 things only those of us who have been pregnant in the winter know. Let’s spread the word, shall we?
1. How quickly your regular winter coat will prove that you can’t get through the season without buying at least two new maternity coats.
2. That some people like to complain about things like “the window being open” because “snow is blowing into the living room” and they “can’t feel their faces anymore,” just because you were trying to cool off a little. Wimps.
3. That getting in and out of your car while wearing winter gear makes scaling Everest look like a piece of cake.
4. That it’s possible to be both constantly sweaty and covered in dry, itchy skin at the same time.
5. NO, REALLY, I HAVE FALLEN AND I CANNOT GET UP. AGAIN.
6. How so many well-meaning people will FREAK OUT when they see you out and about on icy or snowy days, as if you could simply ask your staff to drive the kids around, buy groceries, go to your doctor’s appointments, etc.
7. The confused look on peoples’ faces when they are trying to decide whether you’re pregnant under all those layers or just packing on a few extra pounds of gingerbread, and how diabolically fun it is to just let them sweat it out.
8. That shopping malls, restaurants, and stores all turn their thermostat to “Bake the Pregnant Lady” from November 1 through March 31.
9. That you will discover how to order anything you’d ever need from shopping malls, restaurants, and stores online from the comfort of your couch while wearing nothing but massive maternity granny panties and a tee-shirt.
10. The excruciating pain of shoving your newly ham-sized feet into snow boots.
11. Hairy legs + the inability to bend over to shave them = free, all-natural thermal long underwear.
12. Your biggest concern when you see that a blizzard is in the forecast is how quickly you can stock up on every possible food craving before it hits. Water, batteries, and firewood? WHO CARES JUST GET THE BEN & JERRY’S AND SHUT YOUR FACE HOLE, SWEETHEART.
13. Glittery sweaters that look super cute in maternity catalogs make you look like a walking Christmas tree ornament in real life.
14. Your doctor wants you to get some sunshine on your face every day to prevent you from getting Seasonal Affective Disorder, and you use it as an excuse to get out of the house to escape from My Kids Have Been Off From School for Weeks & I’m Going Insane Disorder.
15. Each time someone says to you, “It must be nice to not be cold all the time!” an angel loses its wings and you get a strong urge to drop-kick perky people who say dumb things.
16. If they really wanted you to have a happy holiday they’d stop hiding the soft cheese and uncured meats from you.
17. Apparently, 12 cups of hot cocoa a day is not what the doctor meant when he said to “stay hydrated.” The killjoy.
18. Witnessing people try not to look so surprised when the first warm-ish day in months arrives and they suddenly see you in an unzipped coat looking about 14 months pregnant.
19. You may be the most independent, strong, incredible woman around, but that doesn’t mean you won’t point to your bump each morning after a snowstorm and say to your husband, “Sorry honey, I’d help with the shoveling but…” *shrugs*
20. That underboob sweat is a year-round curse.
21. Why bears hibernate.
Graphic: Kim Bongiorno