The ABCs of Summer Break (& the Lessons They’ll Help You Remember)

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V is for Vacation that you really can’t afford and haven’t adequately packed for


W is for Waves because the sea wants to claim your offspring, but yes, it’s totally relaxing at the beach just keeping up a running head count of your vulnerable children who couldn’t out swim driftwood and panic every time they have a brush with seaweed because Jaws or crabs or killer jellyfish and this is why mommy hates your father who is out buying fishing tackle while she stands on the shoreline shouting “Too far! Come back! Swim toward our umbrella. It’s the rainbow striped one. No, the other rainbow striped one.”


X is for X-Rays because tree climbing and bone fractures go hand-in-hand


Y is for the YMCA, or summer camp, who you now owe $40,000 for the pleasure of not seeing your kids Monday through Friday


Z is for Zoo (and aquarium, too) where you’ll fight with kids about getting another f*cking stuffed animal from the gift shop instead of watching the sea lion show


Go forth and survive, fearless parents and guardians. The only thing harder to learn than the ABCs of summer with kids is Algebra, and that nightmare is right around the corner along with fall and back-to-school night. 

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