It took me well into my twenties to realize just how many times I’d walked in on my parents having sex when I was a kid. But looking back, I put two and two together. There were the times Mom and Dad would take a while to acknowledge my knock at the door. And then there were the times when I’d open the door without knocking and Dad would sprint to the bathroom and pretend like nothing had happened.
Now that I’m a Mom and a wife, I feel so badly for my parents. In fact, the hubs and I just experienced our first mid-sex interruption when our 4-year-old woke up in the night and sauntered into our room unannounced. We had made sure our door was closed and the kids were asleep before we got busy, but kids seem to just know when their mom and dad want to get it on, which is exactly when they want to come for a visit.
Since this will probably not be the last time one of my kids catches me in the act, I’ve come up with some clever ways to explain what’s going on without having to explain what’s really going on. Feel free to add some of yours!
1. “Whew, it’s hot in here!” There aren’t that many plausible reasons why you’d both be naked and a little sweaty. So tell your kiddo you were hot. Then send that little buzz kill back to bed!
2. “What do you mean, ‘What are we doing?'” If you have a really good poker face, just act like nothing’s out of the ordinary. Hopefully your kid will, too.
3. “Daddy’s giving mommy a massage.” If your kid knows anything about massages this probably won’t fly, but if your little interrupter is a toddler he’ll probably be satisfied with thinking Mommy pulled a muscle and Daddy’s helping work it out. That’s sort of true, so technically you’re not lying.
4. “We’re playing Naked Statue.” Kids love to play dress up so maybe yours will believe you like to play dress down for this game. How else can you explain why you and the hubs haven’t moved since the kid walked in the door.
5. “It’s cuddle time!” Kids love to cuddle so it’s entirely believable that grown-ups do, too. Let’s just hope you’re in a position where cuddling doesn’t seem like it could only be believable if you’re in the Cirque Du Soleil.
6. “Mommy and daddy are doing yoga.” Your child will think you are the most relaxed couple in the world or the most limber. Either way, just say “Om” and hope she believes you.
7. “We’re wrestling!” Of course, the downside to this one is that the next time your kid wrestles with his friends, he’ll rip off his clothes just like you did. Deal with that later. For now, just tell him that grown-ups like to wrestle, too.
8. “Daddy was getting something out of mommy’s eye.” Daddy is probably nowhere near Mommy’s eye at the moment the kid walks in, but hopefully your kid isn’t that good at anatomy yet and doesn’t ask questions.
9. “We’re having a costume party!” Sex doesn’t have to mean you’re naked. In fact, sometimes costumes are in order. No judgment here. But beware, kids like costume time, too!
10. “Mommy and daddy are having alone time.” This is probably the most accurate description of what’s going on without having to explain the nitty-gritty of what’s really going down.