A new mommy client recently asked me how she can get her sex life back while her family is all living together in a 1-bedroom studio. Considering that I can’t even “do it” with my pets in the room, I certainly understand her dilemma. I had to really think about this one and here’s what I have to say about that. Unless you’re a howler or a screamer during intimate time, catching up on sex during baby’s naptime is the best way to go. But if you have toddlers or preschoolers also, well, then you’ll need to get extra creative because waiting until they’re all school-age isn’t an option.
Here is my sex after pregnancy advice to help clever mommies (and daddies) get their groove back:
1. Carpe minutam. Seize the minute! Now that you’re a new parent, gone are the long, luxurious sex marathons where you spent 48 hours in bed eating eggs benedict and strawberries off each other’s naked bodies. Now, the only chance you get to spend a whole day under the covers is when you have the flu — hardly sexy. Fortunately, you now get to turn finding opportunities to jump in the sack into a treasure hunt. All you need to do is seize the minute. It’s halftime, the baby just fell asleep — touchdown! You wake up at 3 AM to pee — what’s five more minutes? Nothing good on TV, but the little ones are content watching America’s Got Talent? Meet me in the kitchen. If you want to get your groove back, you need to stop planning for perfection and start grabbing those moments when they arise (no pun intended).
2. Start working out together. I hate working out, but there is just something about my hot sweaty, heavy breathing man that just gets me, well, hot and sweaty and out of breath. Not only does exercise increase testosterone and endorphins (which make us horny), if you’re really serious about it, it also simulates the same sounds as sex so you can easily justify the grunts and groans if inquiring little minds want to know (or, if they walk in on you) — Plank pose! Push ups!
3. Create a sound track. Music quickly shifts our mood and inspires us to do and feel pleasurable things. Dancing is sexy and arousing, so why not combine the two and make a soundtrack of music that gets you going or reminds you of a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Play it when you’re still awake and alert enough to dance in the kitchen or even think about sex, and then play it louder to muffle the sounds. My kids still think I sound like a cat when I sing to Maroon 5 — enough said.
4. Prime the engine. Yes, I’m talking about masturbating. You know how when you don’t drive a car for a while, you need to start the engine every once in a while to keep it lubed up and running? Well, your sexy parts are kind of the same, so if you’re having a hard time starting up again, prime the engine and give it some gas. If you’ve recently healed from childbirth, get to know the new layout and notice if there are different places and ways you like to be touched. Let your honey know about your discoveries and before you know it, you’ll be revved up in no time.
5. Clean it up. Can’t find a minute to yourself when you’re both home and the kids aren’t asking for a glass of water, another story, to be fed or played with, or bathed, etc.? Take a shower! Think about it; you’re both naked, wet and slippery, anyway, it’s easy clean up, there’s probably a lock on the door and let’s face it, even if there isn’t one, kids hate baths; there’s no way they’re coming in there.
6. Create your own code. Remember how you started spelling everything you didn’t want your kids to know about? Well, use that same spy technology to create your own foreplay language. We all know that kids won’t leave us alone if they know we want “alone time,” so if you are feeling frisky and want to let your significant other know that tonight is the night (or that you want it right now) ask them to help you “fold the laundry” (wink, wink), or “help you get something out of the car” (snicker, snort). It’s fun, playful and devious all at the same time. And once you get good at it, no one will give it a second thought when you ask your man to help you “move the car seat” at your cousin’s wedding reception, while your in-laws play with the kiddos.
7. Leave love notes. An invitation to “dessert” in a lunch box. A text message describing their “homework.” A packet of massage oil with directions for how you’ll use it, tucked in their gym bag. A flyer from the local florist left on their car seat. Sometimes, your partner needs to know you are interested and ready. They need to be told what we want to make it happen. You have recently changed in so many ways: your body, your energy levels, your patience and your emotions, your home, and even your roles. Why not make one of those changes being clear about what you want and need? When we tell each other what we love about each other, how much we appreciate each other and that we still desire each other, the “how, when and where” of sex becomes as easy as “doing the dishes.” (Wink, wink.)
More from Your Tango:
- 7 Ways To Ask For Better Sex From Your Partner
- Why Having A Baby Improved My Sex Life
- Are Most Couples Having Kitchen Sex?