Every time I see a billboard for the Cameron Diaz movie Sex Tape, I cringe. It’s not that I’m a prude, it’s that I can’t imagine filming myself having sex. Let me clarify, I can’t imagine watching myself having sex. I’d just be looking at the angles and wishing I’d sucked in more, which is probably not what you’re supposed to be thinking when watching your own sex tape. It’s supposed to be a turn on. But I imagine that the only thing a sex tape of myself would turn me on to is a diet.
These days it feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t want to photograph and videotape her whole life. Even sex tapes, which used to be taboo, now seem to be totally acceptable. But I’m a pretty private person, who likes to keep her privates private. I don’t want to be videotaped having sex. In fact, there’s a whole host of things I don’t want to be videotaped doing:
If I wanted to see what I look like from my gynecologist’s point of view, I’d ask him. Otherwise, I’m totally content never knowing if the saying, “The camera adds 10 pounds,” is true for all body parts.
2. Giving birth
Human head coming out my vagina, amazing! Human head coming out of my vagina on You Tube! Not so much.
There are fewer times I look less attractive than when I’m sweating, bouncing, and red-faced while shouting, “Is this over yet?” I like to remember exercise when it’s over and the endorphins have kicked in. I don’t need to watch how I got there.
4. Talking in goofy voices to my kids
To entertain my children, I am not above making ridiculous voices and faces. It’s like a terrible vaudeville show that only people related to me would tolerate. There’s just no reason to videotape the unbelievably embarrassing lengths I’ll go to make my children laugh.
5. Getting dressed
On any given day, I could go through four or five outfits just to find the right one. Sometimes this involves wrestling with a zipper or squeezing a button into place. Save yourself. Look away.
When there’s no one in the car, I love to sing along with the radio as if I’m Kelly Clarkson. But since I’m not, there’s no need to film it. Seriously, I’m not even pitchy. I’m just bad.
7. Using the bathroom
Who needs a video camera in the bathroom when you’ve got two kids who see a closed door as an invitation to enter? I’m sure someone, somewhere thinks a videotape of someone going to the bathroom is a turn on, but I think it’s just gross.
8. Picking a wedgie
It’s not often, but occasionally my underwear goes north and I need to extricate it before my tush goes numb. Don’t film this. We’ve all been there.
9. Finishing my kids’ treats
Were I to videotape me finishing the kids’ Halloween bags or the ice cream bars they didn’t finish, I’d be forced to realize how often I do this. Without video proof, I can continue to live in denial. I like it there!
10. Fighting with the hubs
In my mind, I fight fair. On tape, the story might look a little different. I’ll leave the on-camera fights to the ladies of reality TV. And I’ll keep thinking I fight fair.
So while sex tapes may be good for everyone from Cameron Diaz to Kim Kardashian, they’re not good for me. I still haven’t even watched my wedding video for goodness sake!
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