5 Horrifying Ways My Body Changed After I Gave Birth

My body looks like a Dali painting. You know that surrealist painting with the melting clocks drooping over everything? Well, instead of clocks, I’m talking about my boobs, butt, and tummy. Yeah, that’s my new body. Thanks, pregnancy.

My days of not being incontinent are over. In fact, I should buy stock In Victoria’s Secret, because these days I need to stock up on thongs, hip huggers, boy shorts — you know, all of it. Even though I’ve kept up with the kegels, I’ve had some less-than-wonderful (and less-than-dry) surprises after sneezing, hearing a funny joke, or doing jumping jacks at the gym.

My whole body aches. I thought carrying a baby inside my body destroyed my lower back, but I’m in a whole new world o’ pain now that my son is on the outside. Turns out, bending over a crib ten times a day, or reaching down to pick him up off the floor really hurts. On the bright side, at least I can book a relaxing, recuperative massage — oh, wait, no I can’t, because I’m too busy taking care of my baby!

My clothes fit differently. My old skinny jeans just don’t fit like they used to. Pushing eight pounds through your pelvis can do that, I guess. Now, my hips feel wider, and all my extra flesh has nowhere to go but up and over — hello, muffin top!

My hair is falling out. During my pregnancy, I got the most luxurious, shimmering hair. It was thicker, wavier, and just generally awesome. Well, at least I got a few pictures, because my days of enviable locks are gone. Now that the postpartum hormones have started to balance out again, I am shedding faster than a werewolf after a full moon. Day after day after day. It’s grossing me out (and my husband, too). 

Post-pregnancy bodies are full of fun surprises. Do you have anything to add to the list?